That Drifting Excrement Was Way Too Symbolic! These Are the Television Disappointments of the Year.

As we reflect on the TV offerings of the past year, a selection of series stand out not for their brilliance, but for their notable shortcomings. Ranging from cringe-inducing spin-offs to confusingly bad documentaries, here are the programmes that left us utterly bewildered or simply reaching for the remote.

The 'Sex and the City' Sequel

How to start with this love/hate spin-off? Burdened with woeful scripts, painful arcs (justice for Miranda!), and a paltry 71 seconds of fan-favourite Samantha, the show fought to find its footing. For a moment, as the final season started, it looked like it had at last found its groove. Then arrived an installment centered on Seema’s natural deodorant. No wonder the creator declared this would be the last season. It ended on a bum note; the closeup of Miranda’s toilet full of poo was simply too on-the-nose. Yet, fans certainly had a hoot dissecting every single “what on earth?” moment. And as Carrie – a single woman once more – twirled around her sprawling townhouse to Barry White, who didn’t release a little sob?

All’s Fair

‘Can Kim Kardashian act? Of course she can’t.’

But that was almost the least of this show's issues. The subject of a exceedingly uncommon no-star review, it was difficult to know where to start listing the flaws. The hilariously leaden dialogue? The mind-numbing veneration of affluence and consumption? The seemingly wilful procession of cliches? Acting so bad they felt borderline malicious? Let’s just say “each and every one” and never speak of this show again. However, a new season has been commissioned, so we’re probably going to have to.

AKA Charlie Sheen

Given the legal troubles, abuse allegations and fatherly failures, it’s fair to say Charlie Sheen has been a troubled figure. Not you’d truly have known it from this multi-part docuseries which chuckled along at Sheen’s various episodes of self-destructive hedonism while failing to tell us a single thing we weren't already aware of. Rather, it felt as if this loose cannon was being pandered to, so any pity this series might induce should be saved for the people who have had to suffer proximity with this charming but dismissive egotist.

The Iris Affair

Naturally we knew it was preposterous from the get-go: a drama about a supercomputer known as Charlie Big Potatoes that could either save the world – or destroy all of humanity. We stuck with it out of pure admiration for its stars … but by the end, it felt like even they had given up trying. One barely cared when his character died, and the other ended up hacking Charlie with an axe … in painfully slow-motion. That's what you call admitting defeat.

MobLand

Shady figures convening in deserted boxing gyms? A certain band's Firestarter blaring in club scenes? The late 90s called and demands its gangland drama back.

Actually, that is unfair on the gangland dramas of the late 90s. Many seem a bit old-fashioned now, but at least they didn’t endure the ignominy of having to indulge unconvincing accents. But there were many other issues. Mainly that it was just profoundly dull; a conflict over drug-selling territory between various cockney rogues which felt rather simplistic.

The Meghan Markle Series

Considering the degree to which she provokes the ire of certain performatively angry commentators, it’s temptingly tempting to applaud the Duchess of Sussex’s various ventures into quaint homemaking as deliberate statements. But then you view them and are compelled to admit that actually, they may have a point. It’s like watching a homeware magazine come to life; a meme for evening drinks with ideas of grandeur; a procession of snoozing dogs, humming beehives, Hallmark platitudes and pointless crafting “tips” you’ll not remember instantly. All underpinned by immense, largely unearned wealth. Ugh.

The Beckham Documentary

There are obviously fascinating things to be said about both Victoria Beckham and her journey with career, identity, self-worth. But for whatever reason, this documentary series chose not to say them. Rather, the viewing was like consuming a sales catalogue. She obviously has every right to bridle at what she describes as her “stern” image. But unfortunately, she didn’t do herself any favours with this cagey non-event of a series.

The Game Show

It had the potential to be the next cultural phenomenon – except even more extravagant, with a famous star playing dead and a sharp-tongued personality overseeing her estate. What more could you want? As players competed, there was plenty of backstabbing and squabbling. But the rules quickly became incomprehensible: it’s still too complicated to explain what precisely was happening. Even more disappointingly, we only saw brief appearances of the star via prerecorded videos. The show ended up smelling of a programme that was trying way too hard to live up to something far greater than it.

Too Much

How does one follow a show that defined a generation? The pressure was enormous for this glitzy romcom about Jessica, a hopeful New Yorker who arrives in London with a broken heart. The lead actress took her biggest role by the horns and was joyous to watch, embodying Jane Austen levels of romantic ideals. But it was all very glossy and, paradoxically, was not enough. Plus, the sheer amount of famous friends involved felt icky.

The Sketch Show Return

Not good enough to be ‘patchy’.

Given the shrewd recruitment of gifted younger comics, expectations were high. But sadly, most of it didn’t land. A particular sketch was a single joke milked to a husk but repeated in every episode. One star seemed too ready to slip into a well-known ranting mode. The behind-the-scenes sketches, meanwhile, simply provoked the thought that they should probably have remained in there a while longer.

The Twisted Tale of Amanda Knox

This dramatisation of the story of Amanda Knox was executive produced by Amanda Knox and pretty much exclusively showcased the perspective of Amanda Knox. So, while there probably is an compelling drama to be made about the horrific 2007 murder, this was not it. The subject matter needed to be treated with care. Instead, the series struggled painfully to find the right tone, lurching from strangely jaunty, slightly mannered farce to inevitably, real-life horror. Twisted? Perhaps. A total mess? Absolutely.

The Maths Genius Thriller

We love the star … but did we buy him playing the most brilliant maths genius since, a man so smart he’s on the verge of a breakthrough that could ruin society? Nope! This globe-trotting thriller about government agencies spying on – and eliminating – academics honestly got more farcical by the second. Silliness-by-numbers.

The Bonnie Blue Documentary

This uncritical portrait followed the content creator renowned for sexual escapades as she prepared for her most extreme feat yet. What on earth would possess her? What we wanted was far greater examination of her true psyche, plus those of the men in the queue. They could at least have interviewed the legendary mum who appeared to drag her son out of the queue. What we got was disturbing imagery and absolutely no interrogation of her notoriety whatsoever. It's staggering to consider, the documentary-maker has a teenage daughter too.